this is NOT from my friends' page

and the schizophrenia sets in

first sign: random thoughts begin

I don't think I could work at Borders
Sometimes I really hate people
There isn't enough mint tea in the world
There really are a million things on my to do list

next come the voices

Make the voices stop
Would he have the courage to lock me up?
Watching the train go by made me dizzy.
I hate when people douse themselves in perfume
it makes me want to vomit

It almost feels like spring
Don't know what possessed me to get up at 7:30am
after finally falling asleep around 4am
I wish that noise would stop

followed by seeing things that aren't there, aka paranoia

Yes, we all know you are beautiful
Who do you think throws toilet paper on the floor of public restrooms?
Most days I think we are doomed

Is there a vial in a vault somewhere
under guard of the Secret Service that contains
the DNA of the real Saddam Hussein? Whoever that is.

What if I said if we kill him, he goes to heaven?
That we are as much to blame for his deeds
as he is?

and things get blurry, random, and chaotic

I lost my train of thought
I hate when that happens
What exactly is a professional rapist?
Never mind, on second thought, I really don't want to know

Why does coke cost almost as much as beer?
When I watch people I can't believe how
judgmental I am
It makes me feel ashamed
Have I mentioned that sometimes I really really hate people?

it gets scary when the delusions set in

And yet it has been very rate that I have been openly hated
Maybe I was blind or naive
But really I couldn't site an example
Okay, there was that camp counselor once
And I suppose my future mother-in-law
but that's expected, almost normal
Let's talk about that for a minute.

and of course, the nagging being on the edge of tears feeling

There are some days that I wish I
could put your hand in mine and I
could let you feel, truly feel, the
experience of this loss. This grief, that
I am told will dissipate over time but
never, ever go away

A single thoughts, and it all comes flooding back
remembering that that was when I last used a pay phone, for example
or even the taste of a particular cookie
the smell of someone wearing a particular perfume
total recall

But there aren't words to explain it.
And so I'd like to hold your hand
Only for a moment, mind you
As I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy
whoever that is*

followed by complicity, perhaps

And yet apparently my being
my just existing in this world
and loving someone
caused someone to relive that pain

how weird it is that my birthday marks
the day of that loss for him
among other things
random coincidence?
I wish it were that simple
so easily explained away

Maybe it's better not to know
Maybe you can't until you experience it in real time
I certainly didn't know what it meant, let alone felt like
until it happened to me

*rumor has it, it's me