the year of the family

As 2007 came to a close, B declare 2008 "The Year of the Family". So far little progress has been made. When B's parents and sister were here this spring, we couldn't even get them to sit down and have dinner with us. When we invited them out to The Getty Center for B's birthday lunch, they couldn't wait to leave. They didn't even stay to enjoy the art, gardens or special exhibits they have to offer. It was heartbreaking to watch.

It seems we get another chance to see "The Year of the Family" goes out with a bang. They are returning for the holidays. His sister, brother-in-law, and four-year old son who live on the east coast will be joining in the fun. They reportedly want to take their son to Disneyland for the first time. Not sure when they head back. But that reminds me I need to check out Alltop's new Disney page - just in the nick of time. Neither of us have been to the Magic Kingdom in over 20 years, and never with a small child.

At this point we have a couple of dates. The parental unit (which we believe includes the other sister) arrive on the 20th. The east coasters arrive the day after Christmas. B needs to be in Vegas for CES the first week in January, and since his office is on the Rose Parade route, I plan on seeing that parade come hell or high water.

To add to the mix, B's father wants to visit his brother in Oklahoma, who lost his son this year. We have no idea if they plan on heading out before or after Christmas.

We have been told to just go on with life, but that would mean we were taking a trip to New Mexico or the Bay Area. Still the question becomes how do you plan the holidays around this without ending up in the movies eating Chinese food on Christmas? Honestly though, that doesn't sound so bad.

_____________________________________________
In case you are wondering, B's sister does have two sons. The younger one has been baby snatched by his grandparents, like his older brother before him. We thought the parental unit would bring him back, and that this was the 'Reunion Tour'. Apparently not so.


on the night stand :: Iodine by Haven Kimmel.

turkey is on

Seems there has been a change of plans. B got a call from his Uncle this morning, asking if we would be willing to still bring a turkey over to his house for Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe someone else wasn't too keen on the idea of Chinese food either?

Of course this means that just when I have accepted the idea, there is suddenly this change of plans. It means we need to plan for more than pie. We started tonight by stopping at Whole Foods. We used two carts and put $50 of groceries in each so we could take advantage of our $10 off coupons*. We each were over about three dollars, but better than being under. Tomorrow we will get the turkey.

I guess this means I better clean the oven too.

*Coupon good at Whole Foods in Southern California, Southern Nevada, Arizona and Hawaii thru November 30, 2008 on purchase of $50 or more. Not good for gift card purchases.


on the night stand :: Ella Sets Sail

or not

I have spent a good part of today YELLING! Yes, yelling. I had had enough of all of this no one willing to make a decision about if they were coming to LA for the holidays nonsense.

I am a planner. Not only that, I have planned large holiday gatherings. It is a LOT of work. Don't get me wrong, I love doing it, but it doesn't take away from the effort and managing that goes into such a thing. I also know that with every day that passes, it becomes more difficult to find things, not to mention that the crowds get crankier, larger, and more out of control. If this is going to fall to me, then I would prefer not to make it any more difficult than it need be.

If everyone were to come, there would be six adults (and I really just mean people over 18 - the behavior I am in the midst of is far from adult) and two children under three. There are two dining tables in the house. Both seat six. Each is in a different room. There are also only sets of six dishes, glasses, etc. My main concern is really not so much matching everything, but more in that if history repeats itself, then B and I would be forced to sit at the counter with our backs facing everyone. So much for bringing people together. The tables could be moved into the den, but again, a lot of work that I would rather not do if they are not coming.

One of the things we learned is that B's sister didn't realize we were in LA when she sent the email suggesting she might be spending the holidays there (um, here). This was something I had initially suspected, as it was a bit bizarre. Honestly I can't say which would be worse - that she didn't know where her brother was living or that she was inviting herself (and her family) to spend the holidays with us. I just don't know how this has never come up in such a 'close knit' family. *rolls eyes*

We also learned that the instigation for this whole 'family holiday in LA' was for the grandkids to spend the holidays with their grandparents. Asian cultures tend to say that the husband's family rules the roost (there are exceptions of course, this is just a general guideline when all other things are equal). This is important because last holiday season, B's sister left her oldest son to stay with his paternal grandparents for three months. As the maternal grandparents lived in the area, the boy visited (mostly on weekends), but the paternal grandparents had custody, so to speak. You would think that they would be all over this and willing to concede to any demands made of them. Apparently not so much.

Even more disturbing is that B's parents know where he is, and they knew about these plans, but never said a word to him. I don't know if they were hoping we wouldn't be here over the holidays or afraid that if they clued us in on their plans, we would make alternate plans. Clearly there are some serious control issues, not to mention manipulation and complete lack of communication.

Meanwhile, B is asking me why I am so upset about all of this. If I want a family holiday I should just plan for it, and if they don't come, they don't come. He assures me that his parents don't care about things like decorations and just want to spend time together. I say that while that may be good and true, there are little children in the picture and it certainly wouldn't be right for them not to enjoy the traditions of the holidays. Also I point out that I would hate to do to all that work (and spend the money) only for the two of us to be sitting alone come Christmas Eve. How sad would that be? Well, maybe not sad, but there would be some feelings of disappointment. I joked about putting in all in a box and leaving it for next year when we definitely would make other plans.

I have been living for the last year in limbo. I hate not being able to tell people where I will be. I know that no one would be upset with me if I had to cancel at the last minute, but I also know that it gets old fast. And it is disappointing all around. It is a large part of why I start keeping my distance. I was tired of explaining. I love the saying "Bloom Where You Are Planted", but I am not sure how to do that having been uprooted so much.

Since I started writing this, we have learned that they are probably not coming. There is still a slim chance, but it isn't likely. Those are almost exact quotes from his parents. Don't you just love that? And I was accused of being non-committal. Go figure. Also, B's Dad suggested we go to New York. Gotta love it.

Someone once said that the definition of mixed feelings is watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff. In your brand new Mercedes.




on the night stand :: The Sunny Side by A.A. Milne

there are no figs in figgy pudding

Here we are just two days left in November and I feel so conflicted. I think part of it is just having everything up in the air regarding the holidays makes me edgy. Having plans and being able to make a to do list would keep me busy and out of trouble. But of course I know it goes deeper than that.

Here are things in a nutshell: B's sister sent him an email suggesting she spend the holiday in LA (she has a husband and two children under 3). B was a bit surprised, and my initial reaction wasn't much better. B replied back trying to dissuade her, believing that if she came, his parents would also join them. His concern was more how I would react to being together under the same roof. And unfortunately I share his concern.

So last night, we talked about it AGAIN. Keep in mind, we still have no answers from anyone, AND our initial thought about the holidays was to go away as Thanksgiving kind of sucked donkeys. The bottom line is that I asked him if my issues were taken out of the equation, how much would he want his entire family (his other sister would also likely join in on the festivities) to spend the holidays with him. His response: "a six or a seven". That's out of TEN, by the way.

That's pretty high. I didn't expect a 10. I was hoping for a 2, but I figured maybe a 5. B loves his family, but he also has issues with them.

So now the big question. Do I try and push for this to happen? There aren't too many Christmas holidays that this would work out? Or do I push for us to make plans to go out of town?

I should step back here and talk about my concerns about being under one roof for the holidays. Me and B's family are like oil and vinegar. We just don't like each other. In my defense, I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that we don't really know each other. Some of it has to do with the fact that B tried (and succeeded) in separating us. Another part has to do with obligation, and how his parents feel none towards me. And another part has to do with a theory that a friend of mine has that when you meet your potential in-laws at a young age, they always see you at that age (or at least it is a very difficult thing to overcome).

The first meeting of B's parents was memorable, although to this day, I don't think they realize what happened. I will repeat this story, but long time readers can skip if they like. Here is how things went down:

B and I had been living together. His parents didn't know it, and he was going to make sure they didn't find out. So as his graduation approached, I found a sublet and moved my stuff there, although I didn't start spending the night there until they came (and eventually kidnapped him).

B and I knew they would start their trip to the US in Los Angeles, but they wouldn't give him a date as to when they were visiting him in Berkeley. We had gone out shopping (it was a weekend afternoon) and returned to B's apartment to find a message on the answering machine from his parents. They were at Harris Ranch (the midpoint on the 5 between LA and SF), and planned to be in town in a few hours. According to the time stamp, that would be any minute, and so I panicked. I was certainly not dressed or in any way ready to meet these people.

Soon thereafter, there was a buzz on the intercom. Holy crap - they are here! No way!

Thankfully we were on the fifth (top) floor of the apartment, in the back. B didn't have a car. So there was no way to tell if he was home. I said we should just wait it out and they will go away. Ha! You won't believe what happened next, but I assure you this is true:

When the buzzing stopped, I breathed a sigh of relief. Then a few minutes later, the phone started ringing. I thought if we didn't answer it, they would get that B was not home. I figured they would leave a message with their plan and I could go shower and change (at my apartment).

Apparently this is not how these people worked. Now not only was the phone ringing, there was now knocking on the door! Simultaneously!! The building wasn't very secure, so clearly one of our lovely neighbors had let them in.

The ringing, buzzing and knocking, simply wasn't going to stop. These people weren't going to go away. So I did the only thing I could - I HID IN THE CLOSET.

This whole thing probably lasted about 15 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. B eventually did answer the door. He said he had been taking a nap. Oy!

The good news is he got rid of his parents quickly. He lived in a tiny studio apartment with no real furniture to speak of, so it wasn't like he could invite them in and chit chat. It still doesn't make sense to me why they didn't just leave a message, or better yet call from the hotel and make plans to meet for dinner.

Honestly, I never saw anything like this. Who treats their son like this? This was a behavior of a scorned lover, not ones parents visiting from out of town with no itinerary. The banging on door while the other is downstairs calling from a pay phone on the corner was kicking things up. I almost never wanted to come out of the closet. Who were these people?!

But this was my first impression of them, and it has been a hard one to break. I don't think that they have changed much. They are still about control. They don't act like adults. They don't respect their children. They still don't tell us when they are coming to visit until the very last second and then more than likely change their plans anyway.

So while I know what I am up against, I need to decide what I am willing to do this Christmas. I don't want B to miss out on an opportunity to spend with his family. Part of me knows that I will be missing mine again this season, and certainly wouldn't wish that on anyone. At the same time, I am not sure how I wouldn't be miserable while they are around.

I wish I knew the answer. Of course, they could make it easy and make other plans. I just want to know what we are doing so I can move forward.

on the night stand :: 2008 Moleskin Large Red Daily Planner- Limited Edition

giving thanks

I can't believe that Thanksgiving (in the US) is exactly a week away. While many couples have great debates over which family to spend the holidays with, we have quite a different problem. We have the whole two turkeys in the freezer and no guest problem.

When we have been in LA, we have usually gone to B's uncle's house to celebrate Thanksgiving. Last year that turkey got around. B's uncle insisted on buying the turkey, but since their home was in final remodeling I agreed to cook it and transport it to their home on the other side of the valley. So the turkey was driven from one end of the valley, defrosted, cooked, and then driven back again.

All of that wouldn't have been so bad, but there were clearly some issues going on in the home. We think it had something to do with one of B's cousins. He wasn't at dinner and our inquiries about him were ignored. There was just an air about the place. It made the whole day, which was already uncomfortable, even more so. We were the only guests and shortly after dinner it was just the three of us (B, me and their dog).

This year it has been hard to make plans as everything has been up in the air for so long. It has been impossible to see much beyond the day, let alone weeks in advance. Meanwhile, I have been pushing myself away from people because this situation has just been too hard to explain. Everything has just felt so out of control that I haven't wanted to inflict myself on others. And thus I now have two 18-pound turkeys in the freezer and no plans.

This is one of the things I truly suck at - inviting people to do something. Like most people, I don't like rejection. But I am sure there are other issues at work there as well.

At this point, I would be surprised if anyone I knew in the area didn't have plans. And I also don't want to make it look like I am fishing for an invite. At the same time what does this say about me. Yikes!

The holidays are hard when you don't have family. They are hard when you do too. I don't miss the craziness of that. I am trying to be thankful for the craziness of this. I think we need to figure out new traditions.


on the night stand :: Everyday Sacred

why i don't watch television

Last night I was watching 'Brothers & Sisters'. They have introduced a story line about a half-sister that was kept secret. Her mother lied to her about who her real father was, although the mother continued having an affair with him. The daughter has now learned the truth and said something that made no sense. She claimed that she didn't know this man that her mother had an affair with for over twenty years.

I just find that hard to believe. I mean, I wouldn't expect them to be best friends, but to not have had some contact would have been impossible. I speak from experience.

My Mom had an affair for about seven years on and off with a man that we referred to as Bozo. It started when I was about seven, and finally ended when I was fourteen. In between they broke up several times.

Bozo and I never got along. I just didn't have much respect for the man. He had a wife and two children older than my sister and me. To my eight-year old self he was the man responsible for my parents breaking up. I know that this isn't true, but then, it was how it felt.

And of course when I learned that he was in part responsible for my mother deserting us and driving across the country to discover America, he lost a few more points. I was devastated when I learned that he was still in the picture when I arrived in California with my father and sister thinking my family was being reunited. And once again shocked to find him in Southern California after escaping from my father.

Bozo would end up moving in with us, and then getting himself kicked out. He amazingly moved his family to Southern California too. And once again his wife showed up on our doorstep. In between there was almost a half-sibling. And still she took him back again.

He moved in with us again and after getting kicked out again, still showed up at my 8th grade graduation. He ended up in several of the photos, which meant I wasn't able to bring them with me to show my grandmother for fear my father would see them.

When we returned home that summer to a new apartment and our mother announced that Bozo was gone for good, neither of us believed her. It wasn't until the new guy showed up - married, kids, old enough to be her father, and her boss - that we got it. They stuck it out for over a decade. His wife once showed up at our house as the invited guest to a baby shower. Talk about fun times.

on the night stand :: The Mistress's Daughter